March 28, 2005
The latest from The Boy
I finally heard from Todd today. It's been a stressful week. I knew he was being moved, and in his emails he seemed tense, annoyed, angry. I try not to read into it, but damn it, I'm a girl. It's within my nature to question and analyse to death. Experience has taught me that bad things happen when people clam up.

I have to ground myself with remembering he's not living a life in the same way that I am. His reality, his days, his nights are not even in the same realm.

So this morning, the phone rang at the ungodly hour of 3:23am, the first phone call in 10 days. He's in his new location in Kuwait. For now, he has left Sandbox A for Sandbox B. He sounds ragged and edgy. Depressed. Said he would give anything for a big hug. What can I say? How can I tell him what he needs to hear?

I tried to be upbeat. I tried to make him smile. I told him he can now look forward to new adventures in his new home.

A buzzer sounds. If I was playing the Sims, it would have reacted in the little caption with the negative sign.

'I've had enough adventures for a lifetime', he growled.

I change the subject, sensing that anything else I say will just cause me to keep digging my imaginary hole.

I ask him what I can send. He replies more music. Soft stuff. 'I need something to calm me down', he says. I want to ask what's really going on, but I know any further questions will just shut him down more.

But the rest of the conversation was stilted, strained. I can't begin to understand what he's seeing, what he has seen. In the 10 minute calls, it's hard to get into anything more than surface. He's hesitant on all he says. I can hear him searching for what he can say and what he can't.

Last week's ER comes to mind. Neela commented that she was frustrated at how she had built a relationship with Gallant on a few calls, a few letters. I wish I could remember the exact words. Since that episode, I have been melancholy. I wonder what I'm doing. Am I living a fairy tale? I want so badly to believe this to be right, and usually I hear it in his voice too. But this morning was so different. So unsettling.

Patience is a virtue, they say. I repeat that in my head many times a day. What else can I do?

Vancouver, British Columbia
A patriotic Canadian full of visions of a better Canada, random thoughts and a lot of hot air. Who am I? A struggling writer and photographer, who looks forward to a better Canada. I read. A lot. I learn. A lot. I push myself. A lot. The world is a small place, and getting smaller every day. I'm proud to have friends in every corner of the earth, and abide by the old adage that there are no strangers, only friends we haven't met yet.
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Turning thirty and a half
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