May 03, 2005
Calming the nerves

These last 24 hours have not been the most calmest I've ever known. I took a walk tonight to try and relax, and the above is the sunset that I was greeted with. Sunsets always center me. From the time I was a small child, I walked along the water here and whenever the world started closing in, this is where you would find me. It's never let me down. I take a walk, and find myself renewed with strength and new direction.

Todd's group suffered a casualty...I saw the notice come up through the military press release yesterday evening. I only knew it was his group but of course, not anything more. So even though I like to think I have my emotions under control and I'm strong for him, there are times when I really feel like cracking.

Since last night, my mind has been reeling and my world on a rollercoaster. Last night, I had nightmarish dreams of visiting him at some hospital, only to be turned away because I was not family. By this morning, my every thought was consumed by the news. I began to feel physically ill, to the point that I actually thought I was going to be and spent a good 20 minutes at work today in the private bathroom wondering how I was going to get a hold of myself.

I knew that at best he would not be able to contact me for some time as the appropriate people were notified. And at worst, I would be plunged into a longer period of the unknown...given that I am not his next of kin and that by the time his ex-wife filtered any information to his family (which is a strained relationship at best), it would be much much longer before his brother would contact me.

Tonight was the talk by Della Reese at the Unique Lives and Experiences. I couldn't go. I was feeling so nauseated and ill that I knew I'd never be able to drive that far. I had to cancel, which meant giving up a $50 ticket and the chance to reconnect with friends I hadn't seen in too long. But I found myself not even able to tell anyone...except my good buddy, Stephie. For some reason, I told myself if I didn't actually verbalize it, then it wasn't actually happening.

The time ticked by so slowly tonight. I tried reading my book, but kept going over the same paragraph over and over again. It's about the lives of POW's in the Korean War...a great book, but not quite appropriate. So I decided to go for a walk. I got out on the walkway by my house and the sun was just beginning to set. As always, I could almost feel my entire body come down a few notches. I continued on, and my head began to clear. By a half hour later, I knew that I was ready to handle whatever came my way.

I got back home and sat down. The phone rang at 9:11 (what is with that time?)...and it was Todd. He sounded rushed, stressed and said he couldn't talk and had only 30 seconds but just wanted to say he was ok. That he would talk more when he could. The conversation was over before it began and I only was able to choke out how much I missed him, before that strangled gripping feeling came back into my throat. But hearing his voice, that's all I needed.

Damn, this is such a rollercoaster. Just when you think you have the world by the tail, it twists just that little bit more. But at least for tonight, I can sleep just a little bit better and tomorrow, we'll just have to see where it takes us.

Vancouver, British Columbia
A patriotic Canadian full of visions of a better Canada, random thoughts and a lot of hot air. Who am I? A struggling writer and photographer, who looks forward to a better Canada. I read. A lot. I learn. A lot. I push myself. A lot. The world is a small place, and getting smaller every day. I'm proud to have friends in every corner of the earth, and abide by the old adage that there are no strangers, only friends we haven't met yet.
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