So the challenges continue. I would love to say things are rosy with Todd and I, but sadly, they are not.

I would stand beside him for as long as it took, but he is making it very difficult. I won't go into too many details at this point, except to say we are at a bit of a crossroads. Over the weekend, we decided it was maybe a good idea to scale back a bit. I was pretty distraught, but understood his reasons.

He has chosen to deploy for a further year, which would mean not returning until mid-2006. He feels very awkward about me waiting for another 18 months. If that was all, it would be a no-brainer. I made those decisions long ago, and would be there without question. Once he returns, he still needs to deal with his divorce and custody issues, so it's not like he would return and be moving up the the Northwest the next day.

Having said that though, we sort of stumbled onto a new form of communication that has made things a little more confused. The last two nights we've been able to have our talks through a webcam.

This is the first time I've seen his face, seen him smile, or the twinkle in his eyes in nearly 11 months. It makes a very big difference and I thought I missed him before, but now that's just quadrupled. It's done the same for him, and sort of put us both into a vortex of emotions we both weren't expecting.

I have been questioning blogging this because, well, I feel like while I am trying to be a supportive military girlfriend, I am slipping down a slope that I am having trouble getting a grip on. It makes me feel everything I have wanted over this last year, every thing I have dreamed of, everything I have fought for is sitting on the edge of cliff and I am losing control.

I am a jumble of emotions right now and I don't have any answers. I can only trust in fate and what is meant to be, will be. It's just very dark right now.