I am angry. I don't get angry very often, but when I do, it's deep and burning and I don't let go of it easy. My tolerance level has been described as a 'long fuse, but a slow burn'.
When Todd revealed to me in not so many words that his situation with his family was not as he first led me to believe, I was not so much shocked and hurt as I was mad at this inability to be honest. From the day I met him, I told him I had trust issues. He knew that my experience had been very negative with men, in that each and every one I had ever given my heart to had issues with being faithful. He constantly reassured me that this was not the case. That he and his wife had split, and that he was working through her unfaithfulness as well. Damn my naivete that I believed him.
Fast forward to the end of August. He had his R&R, and emailed me to tell me that once in the US, he would call me to explain the situation further. I told him in no uncertain terms that no explanation was necessary. I would not be played a fool. He said in a subsequent email to give him the benefit of the doubt and that there was more to the story. But I heard no more.
Of course, his time at home is now done, and I had recently remarked to a friend that I suspected he would return to duty in Iraq, get over the jetlag and get lonely again.
Sure enough, that email arrived yesterday morning.
I'm sorry that I have been so distant. This trip home has forced me to
rethink my priorities and my mind is a blur. I am regretting extending into this
tour. You have always been there for me and I will always cherish you! I understand if you are angry.... for this I am truly sorry. I have to stop being so selfish and consider my family and also my friends. I think of you often... sorry it took so long to write. Hope all is well with you and I will write again soon. If you are to mad to write, please do not reply. I take words literally and I do not want to end our friendship that way. Love,
The bolding is my emphasis. Camels, straws, and broken backs flashed in my head.
If I am too mad? Dude, can't take the heat? Sorry, but you do not get off that easy.
I am not a confrontational person. I shrink from arguments as if phobic, and will find every opportunity I can not to deal with disagreements. I am a peacemaker by nature, and an introvert to boot. But this email made me seethe.
Then I decided. I may not be able to express verbally, but I do have an ability to write strongly. Words are my weapon of choice.
With cold fury in my heart, I wrote the following:
Yes, it has been a long time. Although not wholely unexpected. I was
quite sure that your trip home would open up a Pandora's Box of emotions.
I only hope that in time it will be a positive step.
Am I mad? No, not at you. If anything, my anger is directed at myself. I am mad at myself for wanting to believe in something that was not entirely true.
I am disappointed that you did not feel you could be honest with me. I talked
you through the decision of extending your tour, and now I feel as if I may have
done the wrong thing...as I did not understand the situation fully. For
that, I apologize. I should have stepped back when I started to realize I
didn't have the full picture.
It is now obvious to me that your dishonesty put me in a position of becoming the one thing I detest. The 'other woman'. I have been on her side and I know the exquisite pain that can cause. You also knew my misgivings on this, yet your failed to respect both me nor the other people in your life.
I only know of your life what you have chosen to tell me. And for what that
was, I enjoyed and cherished your friendship too. I believe I deserved that much respect, and even more, you deserve to respect yourself that much. You will never find the elusive happiness you so desperately seek if you are not honest with
yourself.
You are a good person, and there is a lot to be proud of. But you need to work on accepting yourself for who you are, and not just how you wish others to see you.I hope for your sake, as well as that of your young daughter, that you learn that.
And with that, I've said my peace. I can now properly bury the last year of my life and move on. Unfortunately, my trust issues run incredibly deep and it will be a very long time, if ever at all that I will believe in love again.
