June 21, 2005
Thank you, Logitech
Been fairly scant on personal details of late. Suffice to say, much has been going on behind the scenes.

I often blog to release a lot of my random thoughts of the day, and so as not to inundate my 3D friends with my streams of consciousness. However, I must say a BIG huge thank you to my friends here in the blogosphere. Your support and your concern has been extremely touching...and very much appreciated.

Todd and I are back on track, it would seem. I am not a waffler...the fact that the last month has been such a rollercoaster is a new experience to me. I don't know when I've ever been so all over the place and even though I have had long distance relationships in the past, this whole deployment thing adds a dimension that I could never have imagined.

So, this past week or so, since the addition of the webcam to our daily routine, we have been able to tackle some big issues face to face. Seeing his face as I tell him my concerns, and vice versa for him has been huge. The good news? Even though he pulled back so abruptly and basically told me to back off and start moving on, he now has admitted that was due to frustration and anger. When I got my back up as well and basically gave him the ol' 'same to you, buddy', we both realized, like an overspent rubber band, it was not what we really meant. Without that webcam, I don't know if we would have been able to see it the same way.

That and also my fellow blogger-friends who took the time to email me and call me, basically just lending a supportive ear. I can't thank you enough.

So I've spent some time licking my wounds, and now we move on. Even better news? He has decided not to go ahead with his extra year of deployment. He had just put in for the year, when he told me to walk away and now realizes it was all more of a defence mechanism and that it really wasn't the best choice. Thankfully, his batallion leader (sorry, guys, my military hiararchy is all screwed up so I won't even try to name a rank!) agreed and the paper was torn up. Soooo....he's back at the end of this year!

One of the downfalls of webcams though? He can see me when I look like crap - I've had a migraine for the past 5 days and believe me, I look it. And when I finally agree to turn on my cam, what I don't need to hear is 'You're right...you need to go to bed, honey. You look shitty." Thanks dude!

However, I also found another downfall for him. The other morning I was eating a Ben & Jerry's Peace Pop when he came online. Apparently, according to him, I violated some code of the Geneva Convention by eating ice cream in front of him.

I wish I could say where he is, but it's a very small base. Not even a base really, just a CSC. There are no blogs that I can find, and I don't need it googled so suffice to say, he is in Iraq and it is extremely hot and sandstorm-y. (Yeah, it's a word!)

In other news, my medical stuff has been difficult to say the least and I think it has a lot of play in my emotions. I have, shall we say, a 'compromised reproductive system' and these issues have become incredibly painful of late. The doc is talking of things that would make my perceived future very unlikely. Ah, damn it...forget the double speak. It looks like my chances of ever having biological children about as possible as a snowball in hell. I am not dealing with it very well, and have fits of sadness and anger that I find very difficult to get through. I haven't told Todd. I don't know how. I can't even tell my family at this point. Ever since meeting Todd, it was the first time in my entire life that I felt safe enough to even consider children. To me, I knew I couldn't do a single-parent gig and while I certainly give kudos to those who do, it's not a road I see myself on.

So now that I actually, after all these years on the planet, am in a situation that may allow me to have that secure and strong relationship/partnership, I now am seeing it slip away and am not able to do much about it. It just sucks, to put it mildly.

I held Baby Lex on Sunday and the tears just streamed down my face. I am profoundly saddened and feel very overwhelmed. However, I know that this is not within my power to change and I must let my life lead me where I need to be. Who knows? I would never count out adoption, but again, I need to be in a secure relationship before pondering that one.

Ok, got myself all sad again...so that's enough for tonight!

Vancouver, British Columbia
A patriotic Canadian full of visions of a better Canada, random thoughts and a lot of hot air. Who am I? A struggling writer and photographer, who looks forward to a better Canada. I read. A lot. I learn. A lot. I push myself. A lot. The world is a small place, and getting smaller every day. I'm proud to have friends in every corner of the earth, and abide by the old adage that there are no strangers, only friends we haven't met yet.

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Turning thirty and a half
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