July 22, 2005
Sand in my shoes

This evening marks a year gone by, an anniversary if you will. A year since a certain man sat down at my table at a restaurant on the beach in Waikiki and introduced himself as a proud member of the US Navy.

This last year has been nothing and everything I expected. It has changed me. It has changed him. Forever. If you would have told either of us at that moment that we would still be involved a year later, I don't think we would have believed it.

Two weeks away it feels like the world should've changed
But I'm home now
And things still look the same

I had no idea that someone who should have just been a holiday memory would realign my psyche. This past year, we have spent mostly getting to know each other on the phone. 365 days later, we both need our daily phonecall fix. Of course, now they come from Iraq.

I think I'll leave it to tomorrow till unpack
Try to forget for one more night
That I'm back in my flat on the road
Where the cars never stop going through the night

I still often look at the pictures of Hawaii. Remembering each moment, savouring it. Trying to remember the feeling of his hand in mine, his bear hug engulfing me, his breath beside me. I miss his touch.

To real life where I can't watch sunset
I don't have time
I don't have time

This past year has seen him change his home, the one he'd known for 10 years then be deployed to Camp Anaconda and beyond. Something he thought, at the age of 40 was long behind him. Instead, he's living in the desert contemplating his life completely changing direction. When I met him, he was at a crossroads. He had just changed residences and his life was in upheaval. He needed a kind ear, a friend. That was how this all began. A year ago, I had no idea what Semper Fi! was, or FOBs, APOs, MREs, IEDs, were. I never could have dreamed I would know what it sounds to hear an explosion on the other end of the phone, nor not to be alarmed by it and almost used to it. I respected those that kept the homefires burning, but I had no idea what that meant. I now know what it means to be tied to the phone, to live for those times we can get a computer connection. I don't look for flowers or trinkets. I hold on to those phonelines connecting us over the many thousands of miles.

I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you
I shake it all, forget you
Why, why would I want to
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would've been confused but I wanna see you again

Part of me wonders if it all should have been left on the beaches of Waikiki. In the memories of the walks through the grounds of the Hale Koa. Of sitting on the shore, with the ocean lapping at our feet. Then I think about how much his friendship means to me. How we have no idea how this will end up, how we have no answers but for today, I know that I am in his heart. That I have grown to love him more than I ever thought I could.

A couple of months ago, things hit a roadblock. He gave me reason to doubt his intentions. To doubt who he is to me. I am still struggling with that. My issues with trust run deep. I don't have a lot of support of my friends and family who see this as a folly that I will eventually grow tired of. On my dark days, I wonder if they are right. My turn to blogging was a way to help support him. To become aware of the issues others go through. It has helped. A military girlfriend can be a strange place to be.

I wanna see you again
Two weeks away, all it takes to change in time around by falling
I walked away and never said that I wanted to see again

But then I remember what we have triumphed through. That with a very short time to get to know each other in person, we have managed to build a bond that I know will be with us always. A year later, and well over 300 phonecalls, the tie is strong. What we have is nothing short of miraculous. And I think how lucky we both were to cross paths that night in the tropical summer evening. A girl from Canada, who rarely has much to do with the nightlife scene, and a guy from Denver recently separated and not wanting to spend a night in a cold hotel room contemplating his world changing.

I wanna see you again
I wanna see you again

The words that haunt my brain. The last words before I fall asleep. The first words I think in the morning.

But I know I will see him again. That this year will be worth the lonely struggle it has been.

I miss him very much tonight. It's an exquisitely painful feeling. The unknown can be cruel. But at the same time, I know that somewhere in a tent in the hot, sandy desert there is a man waking up right now and he's thinking about me.

Vancouver, British Columbia
A patriotic Canadian full of visions of a better Canada, random thoughts and a lot of hot air. Who am I? A struggling writer and photographer, who looks forward to a better Canada. I read. A lot. I learn. A lot. I push myself. A lot. The world is a small place, and getting smaller every day. I'm proud to have friends in every corner of the earth, and abide by the old adage that there are no strangers, only friends we haven't met yet.

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Turning thirty and a half
  • July 2004
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  • January 2006

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