As I flew back to Vancouver from Hawaii, my heart was heavy. I'd been here before and I knew that the chances are not good for us. I have a terrible habit of falling hard on holiday....my last boyfriend was from England. A few years before that, South Africa. I've tried to analyse it. Is it because I'm finally relaxed when I'm away? Or some sort of self-abuse of having a relationship that really has no chance and that way I ensure I don't really let anyone in too close? No idea. Still pondering that one. My family was less than overjoyed with my news when I returned. My (not very tactful) sister-in-law said "I don't get excited when you meet anyone anymore. It never works out anyhow". I love her to pieces but she can certainly cut deep when she wants. My mother took every opportunity to make some Navy sailor joke she could think of. I think she'd been saving them all up since WWII some of them were so corny. I figured time would tell. I told myself that I was in control, that I wasn't going to let this amazing, romantic week screw with my head too much.

But Todd surprised me. He called daily. He gave me no opportunity to forget him and we continued to have these amazing talks. My bitter side told me, sure...it'll die down in time. But it didn't. When he wasn't calling me (I never had the chance to call him as he seemed to be calling me often enough), he was emailing or sending text messages. My heart stayed melted and I thought 'Hmmm...could this really be something?'

When he flew home to his midwest US city, he continued to call me often. Then about 10 days after we last saw each other, he called with a different tone to his voice. 'We have to have a serious talk today', he said. I'd heard that before and it was never good. I steeled myself to the whole buh-bye story but that wasn't it. He levelled with me that he hadn't been truly honest about how ex his ex-wife was. It was still a very new situation, he told me. So new that while they were legally separated, he still lived downstairs in the basement suite. And the reason for that, he told me, is that they had a child. A 9 year old girl. I took a deep breath in...what had I gotten myself into? He explained that he hadn't told me about Bethany, his daughter because he hadn't wanted to involve her unless he was sure we had something special. I didn't know what to say. Part of me screamed run away, but I heard my voice saying something else.

I told him I did not feel comfortable with him living in the basement suite. As while I realized I had no place to say anything - I mean I hadn't even known him a month - I refused to be the "other woman". I have been in the opposite position many years ago and felt humiliated then when I found my ex had been with his new girl for over 6 months when he left me. I felt very strongly about it and told him so. But I did tell him that I was pleased he felt comfortable enough to tell me about his daughter. Children are so very important and I appreciated how he put his daughter first in everything. When he talked about her, I heard this pride in his voice that made my heart swell. I knew then, that while a very complicated situation, I would continue on.

We hung up and when he called the next day, he said he had given a lot of thought to what I had said. He realized that there was no further reason for him to live in the house any longer and had made arrangements to move in with his brother. It was something that he had been partly considering for some time but hadn't taken the leap. My feelings had given him the strength to make that move. It would make things difficult for him as he worked nights, but would still have to pick his daughter up from school, and be with her during the day but he felt it was time. True to his word, he moved into his brother's place 4 days later.

We began talking about where we were headed. To write this all down still seems so unreal to me. I am not one to take flights of fancy, but this whole thing just seemed so right. So real. I told myself even if I did end up getting hurt, feeling this euphoria and this happiness that I felt now made everything worth it. When I talk to him, I feel so safe, so serene, so at peace with myself. How can that be wrong?

Over the next few weeks, he told me that he had decided to try to get transferred to a base in Washington state. It would allow us to be closer, and be able to visit each other while we got to know each other better. He talked to his superiors and put the word in that he would be interested. I was over the moon. He introduced me to his brothers over the phone, but I made it clear that I didn't want to 'meet' his daughter or for her to know about me until it was much more solid than where we were now. I think it's so traumatic and difficult for kids to deal with divorce without having to deal with their parent's new friends at the same time. I knew his ex did have a new boyfriend though, so the poor kid already had enough to deal with already.

He wasn't hearing anything about the transfer, although in hind sight, it does take time so it shouldn't have been surprising. So I decided to book a trip to see him. I booked a week off work, and arranged my flight for 4 days in mid-October. I was so excited. My family thought I was crazy. All I knew is that I was going to be in his arms again and it made my soul sigh. He was thrilled too, as things had been so full of upheaval at home for him he had been a bit down. Even slightly depressed, I think although he tried to hide it.

It was now getting towards the end of September and we were still talking every day. My defences had gone down, and were staying down. It just seemed like everything was exceeding both of our expectations. We had met at a time that wasn't ideal for either of us, but even with all the drama and complicated lives, we still managed to forge a very deep bond that neither of us could explain or for that matter, slow.

Then he got the call. His unit was deploying to Iraq. I knew it was a possibility, but I hadn't let myself think about it. I thought it was a long shot, and while it was something that he truly had hoped he would get a chance for, I had told myself based on his age (he's late 30s) and the fact he had a young child, he wouldn't be called. I know. I'm naive. The whole Washington state transfer was no longer in the cards. Our whole situation was on hold. I felt sick. But at the same time, I was so thrilled for him. I knew how much he wanted to do his part, and that this was something that was more important to him than most anything else. What a contradiction!
I told him my selfish feelings, and he consoled me with the fact that at least we would have October's trip. He made the comment again about me being in his life forever and that maybe even as his wife. I shy away big time from that talk, but this time, I allowed my heart to flutter just a bit. Even though I was and am still extremely aware that the odds are not in our favour.

The next couple weeks, he began to change somehow. He got so wrapped up in nerves, and worries about leaving for a year. Or that this was some sort of dream, and that they would suddenly call and say he wasn't going. He didn't know when he would deploy but only knew it was on the horizon.

What a way to start a relationship! This whole crazy time has been so incredibly intense that it seems like we've already been together for years and not months. We had hoped to take things a bit slower with him moving closer, but now, everything was so uncertain. I had a lot of difficulty getting my head around the news. I didn't know how I could wait, or what would happen in a year. But as I told him, "I'm in this for the long haul, baby". For whatever reason, I meant it.

Now it was the just 6 days before I was to fly to be with him and then that's when the world zigged while we zagged....