January 28, 2005
The day that was
I've been trying to figure out how to start my post tonight. How to make it a witty little reparte into the life and times of the moment. It ain't happenin'. You're stuck with me (or at least if you're BE/BC-ing it, for another 25 seconds) in my introspective thought pattern for the moment.

In another episode of how-stupid-is-my-boss, though, we went out for lunch to try and salvage the mood amidst the layoff news and the conversation turned to my life and my support for Todd and the troops overall. I always enjoy a chance to change some opinions or inform some of the more lesser known stories (usually gleaned from blogs like Blackfive, etc.).

My boss asked if I planned on visiting Todd while he was in Iraq. Um, last I checked, it wasn't really set up too well for Club Med soirees.

I said (trying not to laugh): 'Well, no. I think it's safe to say I won't see him until he returns'.
BossDude: 'But that could be a year! That's too long to ask of anyone.'
Me: 'Many people do it and in more extreme situations than I'.
BossDude: 'But a whole year? Really? I'm sure you could maybe visit him in Baghdad or something'.
Me: (trying very hard to be serious and not sound condescending) 'I think it's not really a safe place to visit. It's just part of the commitment. We wait it out. What will be will be'.
BossDude: 'Can't you just go and maybe stay on the American base or something?''

Anyway, you get the idea. The man just doesn't have a clue.

I'm sort of down tonight about the situation with Todd. We had a very emotional conversation last night (yes, he was able to call back) and it's put me in a bunch of varied emotions. He was feeling sort of sad, introspective. Not knowing the long picture, and just getting settled, he was really concerned about how I was dealing with it. The gyst of the conversation was that he knew he had no right to ask me to wait for him, considering the length of our relationship (6 months yesterday) and the fact that he doesn't know what's going to happen. I told him I was prepared to. I made that decision some months ago, when I realized that my heart was speaking louder than my head and that it was what I knew was the right thing to do. For me and for him.

He was worried that I was being emotional and felt that he was being selfish for wanting me to. That he felt he was holding me back. I disagreed. He said some amazingly sweet things about me that still make my ears burn red as I'm not able to take compliments well. And said that I was too good a catch to wait for a year plus. He implored me to agree to continue to date while he's gone and to try to live life to the fullest. That when he returned, if things were still ok, then we'd resume.

I obviously wasn't buying. I told him I knew what I'd signed up for, and if I planned on ditching when things got too real, we never would have got this far. I know, from this last conversation and previous ones, that he does think we have a future but his chivalry prevents him from wanting me to be in any hardship because of him. It's proven extremely difficult for him to take compliments from me too, and when I've sent him little gifts, he's been overwhelmed and very emotional that I've taken the time to do so. We've both had some pretty painful pasts and I think it's very hard for both of us to accept that there are no real hidden agendas, and we just seem to have bonded and well, grown to love each other over these past few months. Sure, I'm well aware that the odds are against us, that neither of us are getting younger, that we both have so many reasons why this should not be. But at the end of the day, I hear his voice and my heart melts. I feel like a 16 year old schoolgirl, and want to play his phone messages over and over and over. He makes me smile and when he calls me 'hunnybunny' (which any other time in my life would have made me GAG), all is right in the world.

That's gotta be worth somethin', doesn't it?

Vancouver, British Columbia
A patriotic Canadian full of visions of a better Canada, random thoughts and a lot of hot air. Who am I? A struggling writer and photographer, who looks forward to a better Canada. I read. A lot. I learn. A lot. I push myself. A lot. The world is a small place, and getting smaller every day. I'm proud to have friends in every corner of the earth, and abide by the old adage that there are no strangers, only friends we haven't met yet.

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