Today is Canada's equivalent to the Superbowl. Since Hockey died, somehow CFL football has made a remarkable comeback and now the BC Lions are in the championships today against the Toronto Argonauts. My brother is a football fanatic, and my friend Leigh is too. Usually I end up at some sort of Grey Cup home party enjoying chili, beer and side bets. But today, I am riding the pine or more appropriately, the couch. Love it when my Crohn's decides to wake up and remind me that I am surely not in charge of my reality.

Anyway, Go LIONS Go!

Last night Leigh Joe and I went for dinner. I was still quite down in the dumps, but good friends and good company got me in the spirit. Joe reminded me that Todd is a good guy in just a screwed up situation. I want to believe that so badly!

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I admire the military, police forces etc. Always have. I have cousins in the Canadian Armed Forces. My grandfather was in WWI, and also RIC (Royal Irish Constabulary). My uncles all served some time in the military. I was brought up to believe these people were our true heroes. Also, it's something I enjoy learning about and there's something very primal yet securing to know there are people who will put their lives on the line in a dangerous situation to make sure the world is a better place. My brother has been a cop for 20 years. I've heard stories from him that make my spine shiver, but I know that he does what he does for a better cause. It sure ain't for the money.

After 9/11, I was so fired up about political situations that I had an argument with my nephew-in-law about him and his friends getting off the XBox and go join the army. They were all unemployed, but were healthy strong guys that just needed a sense of direction. It made me so annoyed to see them sit around all day while his little baby girl needed food in the fridge. It's obviously a longer story than I want to go into here, but when he told me that he'd rather shoot himself in the foot than ever serve in the military, I just felt so sad. This generation just seems to have lost the plot on what heroes consist of. I have just so much respect for the men and women that see it differently. That can and do serve. While political opinions may differ, at the end of the day, these men and women do everything they can to make the world a better place. Even if that does mean leaving those they love, their safe lives, and their comfortable homes and jobs. It's one thing to talk about it but completely another thing to do it.

I think that's part of the reason I was so attracted to Todd. And as I got to know his inner spirit, my admiration got stronger. He's an intelligent guy who knows what he's up against. Or at least as best as he can. He knows leaving his daughter at this awkward age has major ramifications for their future relationship. He knows that our relationship has to go through this crap long before it really needed to. But it is something that he truly believes in and from his very soul, he knows this is the path he has to take. That sort of determination is very sexy. =)

I've spent the past few months trying to understand the American military. I now understand it's more than just "Officer and a Gentleman" (although a damned fine flick) and I've learned what Semper Fi means. I am beginning to understand the concept of the Band of Brothers, and the pride and honour that is attached to the concept. I still can't quite understand the difference between the Navy and Marines. Both make you think of water, but they aren't. I figure, no matter what happens to Todd and I in the long run, I did make the promise that I would be there for him while he deploys. I don't make false promises. While as a couple, what we have is rather murky to say the least, we are friends and I don't intend to let that change. I have read in these blogs stories of wives and girlfriends leaving their significant other either during their deployment or on return. I can't begin to imagine how hard that has to be on these guys. Relationships are never easy but to come back to emptiness must be staggering. So in honour of my promise, I spend hours learning what I can to be informed and topical and to support him. Where that leads in the long run, I don't know but it's a path I am determined to take.

So after dinner last night, we went to the new casino. It's recently opened nearby and is turning out to be the great destination on the weekends. Not just for gambling, but the food is great, the lounge acts rock, and there's free pool in the sports bar. We were playing the slots last night when my stomach zagged and I had to run the ladies. I'll spare the details except to say anyone who has any sort of colitis type disorder will know the pain associated with this is truly not fun to bear. And it makes it all the worse when an attack arrives in a public place.

There I am in the ladies when the cellphone rings. It's Todd. The call I've been waiting for so fitfully these past few days. ARGH! Why now???? So I pull together as much dignity as one can in a public stall, whilst trying to squat and not touch the seat.

It was a sweet call. He told me to keep my chin up and stop being sad about everything. He sounds almost excited about leaving and I have to admire that. We talked about some of the scary events in the news of late and my nightmares of him not coming home. I can just imagine what that must have sounded to anyone else in that bathroom hearing my voice emanating with 'And don't forget about Mosul too' . It was his daughter's birthday last week. She turned 10. Again, he spoke with pride and disbelief that his baby was in double digits. I felt verbally hugged and thankfully, he never did ask what all the flushing noises around me were.

So other than feeling totally physically disgusting today, not to mention floating on the codeine, I feel much better than the past few days. This is going to be a rollercoaster. I suspect I don't even know the half of it, or what I am to learn by being here. But it's where I am. I don't expect others to understand or even be accepting.