So now we're up to the stage I'm at now which I don't even know myself how to describe.

That first week, the week I was supposed to be in the US, was a rough one. Not only was I heartsick and kicking myself, I had to do it in front of everyone I knew. I was home when I shouldn't have been and it wasn't fun explaining. I went to the store on Sunday and met my cousin who cocked her head to the side, and patronizingly said 'How are you doing?'. I lost it again...

But there were bright spots. I had a lot of support too, from strange places. Friends that I'd previously considered just acquaintances got promoted. And I got the weirdest compliment from an old boyfriend..."ya still got nice knockers, you'll do ok". From him, it was meant with heart - and it made me laugh.

I decided to make it a full week of hell. I had two root canals that I had been holding off on, and for fun, I tripped on the stairs and fell down the whole flight. Oh, and I caught the flu by the end of the week. I mean, if it's gonna be bad, why not throw it all together at once?

The hardest part of it all was that I still had feelings for him, but I knew I had to learn to let go. And I was angry...I debated calling his wife but what stopped me was how I felt when that happened to me 10 years ago. It hurt worse, not helped.

About 10 days later, the phone rang. Guess who? Well, he was in Hawaii now on some training exercise. I was still angry, and told him so. I said I started at zero trust, and now you've dug a hole so deep, you can't even see the top. He pleaded with me to try to understand his situation. That this was all just bad timing and that he couldn't bear to go overseas knowing I wasn't there for him. I told him he was living a fairy tale. Show me the signed divorce papers and then we'll talk.

We've talked a few more times since then. Nothing specific. He knew he'd hurt me, and he knew it wasn't the same anymore. But a part of me wanted to keep in contact too, and I'm not sure why. I need to know what happens to him...it's probably wrong of me and maybe it'll fade with time. I tell myself this is the closure part. What I need to do to properly close things in my mind and heart. But I also need to remind myself not to let my emotions get the better of me. I still contend we met for a reason, and I haven't fully understood why that is. I went 37 months being single, and now I was reminded that I was capable of loving again.

Where is it now? Well, he deploys in 10 days. He called this week but I missed it. He said he'd call on the weekend. I guess I'll know then. Last night I got very sad about it all, and wondered why it had all happened and if this is all really worth it. Still don't really have answers but I guess time will tell.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to move on. To forget. To walk away. And I will. I've survived worse before and I'll do it again.