Nothing is ever simple in my life. I don't say that in a negative way, just simply as a fact. I don't even think I'd want it any other way, really. I often argue that I don't get the concept of Heaven because I can't imagine a life that always is perfect. What's the fun in that? If you never ever had anything go wrong and were always deliriously happy, wouldn't you be bored? And how would you even know you were happy if you never felt any other way?

Anyway, back to the program. This one's harder to write because it was a week of Hell without a doubt. And I'm not entirely proud of my own conduct either.

It's 6 days before I leave to see Todd. I need this vacation more than anything...my family life is in shambles. My parents are getting elderly and having serious health problems. My Aunt had a small stroke and driven her car into a wall. (Thankfully no one hurt!). My brothers, or rather my sisters in law are fighting over something that happened 15 years ago. And I'd been having a migraine on and off for about 3 weeks. I needed to get away more than ever!

Didn't hear from Todd on the Monday but on Tuesday, he called and was all excited. He got his papers! He was going to Iraq in December! I got caught up in his excitement, and told him how proud I was of him and how happy I was too that he got his wish. Then, he told me that Bethany did not take the news well. Not a surprise, I said, considering she's just a little girl! He said he was puzzled by her hysterical reaction because she had always known it was a possibility. I said, did you realize that you were reasoning with a child? Of course, she's upset! A year in her world is forever!

Then he said the strangest thing. Because Bethany was so distraught, he felt his only option was for him to move back in until he goes. I was floored. What the hell was going on? I said, Ok, well...I'm not happy about that but I guess we'll work around it. Then he threw me for another loop with 'Well, I'll just sneak out after everyone's asleep to be with you." Dude! What the hell is happening here? I flipped out a bit and said if you guys are really split, what does it matter where you are? He couldn't answer me. There were other bombshells too...like he couldn't pick me up at the airport anymore, and that he'd be working at the base all weekend and wouldn't be able to see me until about 3am the night I arrived. I think more was said, I can't really remember because my head was spinning and I felt like I'd been played for a fool.

I didn't sleep that night. I tossed and turned. I was mad at myself for not seeing the situation clearly and for getting involved more than I thought I was. And also, worried for the trip. Here I was flying out in just 5 days to a strange city and quite possibly, was going to be alone completely. I've been fortunate enough to have travelled a lot in my life and that part didn't bother me. But I am nervous of driving in cities. The hotel he had suggested was about 45 min. from the airport and the thought of trying to find it in a strange city made me uncomfortable. And that was the other thing...now that he wasn't picking me up from the airport, I now had to rent a car - which was another $200 I hadn't expected to spend.

He didn't call Wednesday. This is the guy who was calling me daily if not more than that. My spidey senses weren't just tingling, they were ringing off the hook. But I felt trapped. That I couldn't really do anything but let things play out.

All day Thursday I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't want to tell anyone yet, as I really wanted everything to be a bad dream and not an 'I told you so'. I was stressing large though. I couldn't seem to pack, or do anything to get ready. At 11pm, the phone rang and jogged me awake. It was Todd. A 30-second phonecall to say he was at work, things were swirling out of control for him and that he just wanted to say he missed me and would call tomorrow and explain everything.

Friday arrived. Last day of work before being away for a week and it was busy. I was feeling queazy. Todd called at noon. I should also add I work in a cube too, so there's not much privacy, but thankfully, all but one person was on lunch. He told me that I needed to change hotels as he had moved back home and he wanted me closer to where he was so he could sneak out. I lost it. Big time. I don't remember a lot of what I said, but I do remember making references to Amber Frey, to the fact he had played me for a fool, that I didn't deserve all these lies and how dare he do this? How dare he play with my feelings? How fucking dare he? I told him I was cancelling the trip immediately...

I called my travel agent, and barely able to talk told her briefly why I had to cancel the trip. Or at least I think I did. I still don't know what I said. But she is a miracle worker and was able to not only cancel it, waive the fee somehow but also got my Aeroplan miles back. She is truly an angel.

I still had to work the rest of the day, so I suck it up and got back to it. As luck would have it, my boss asked me to resource companies in the very city I had just cancelled my trip to. It was a painful task! But I did it, business is business and my personal drama needed to be put aside. Then around 3, my boss asked me my finding and then asked if I wouldn't mind doing some site visits during my trip. Now I had to tell him I wasn't going! I was so embarrassed! He took one look at me and told me I could leave early if I wanted. And this is coming from a guy who actually called me while I was in the hospital last year to get me to help him with something! I must have looked a wreck!

I muddled through getting home, calling those that needed to know I'd cancelled and then asked everyone to leave me alone while I worked through it and was ready to talk. I had so many strong emotions. I was crying, I felt sick, I felt humiliated, betrayed and most of all, furious at myself. All those things I thought I'd never let myself become, I had become.

He called that night. I was still crying. I let loose again. I told him he had made me feel like a whore. His response? "No, sweetie, if I thought you were a whore, I never would have told you any of this. I would have let you come and done what I wanted with you. It's because I love you so much that I told you'. What kind of screwed up logic is that? He kept trying to assure me that this was just poor timing, that he knew we would be together always. That he was living in a separate room to his wife, and only staying with her to ensure she get survivor benefits if something tragic happened in Iraq.

Suffice to say, I did not deal with this well. I cried more over the next few days than I knew I could. It's like every little nick and scratch of the last 4 years bubbled up to the surface and I cracked. When I wasn't crying, I was walking around like a zombie. My friend took me to the mall (retail therapy always works, right?) and I saw a Hummer in the parking lot, and I started to cry again. I was a mess.

Well, that's enough of the story for now...it's getting busy around here again.