I've been really down since Thursday. I still can't put my finger on why...is it writing this blog is bringing my feelings to the surface? Or is it because I miss Todd more than I want to let myself?

I'm a strong person. Adversity has found me through my life, but I'm not one to hold onto it for long. I do know how to get up, shake my head and move on. Usually. So why am I not doing it here? Why can I not harden my broken and bruised heart back up so it can begin healing for the next adventure? It frustrates me.

I haven't spoken to Todd directly now in 16 days. Although he's called once, and emailed, and I've emailed him. He made reference to calling me 'on the weekend'. My strong side says Whatever...I should go out and do what I have to do. But I'm not listening to my strong side. I physically need to talk to him. I'm scared about him going to Iraq. Maybe I watch too much news, or maybe I have an active imagination but I'm so worried for him. How do people come to a reasonable state when those they love go into danger?

My sister-in-law has been married to my brother, who's been an inner city cop for 20 years. She does it with a smile and their love is as strong now as when they married 27 years ago. But I know it bothers her. I guess she's found a way to put that part of herself in a box and let it go until she knows.

Last night, I dreamed I was at an airport and he was coming home. All these soldiers came off the plane. Hugs everywhere. Mayhem with everyone trying to find everyone else. Suddenly everyone's gone and he never was there. I wait and wait. I'm crying in the dream. Then some high-ranking officer takes me aside and just shakes his head. He didn't come home.

I have been very careful in all my conversations with him never to promise anything I couldn't deliver. I don't like it done to me, therefore I won't to others. I have said I will stay in contact with him while he's there, but I've been noncommital about it being any more than friends. Of course, my heart screams something completely different but I'm careful with that. His home life is a mess...I'm not sure I even fully understand the situation myself. I'm 35, I don't want to be single forever. Time will tell on that one. Maybe my heart will disengage in time, I suppose, or if it is meant to be, like he wants me to believe, the purpose will come clear.

But as a friend/girlfriend, or whatever my status is, I won't know if he gets wounded or worse when he's there. It's a huge fear, and now that I'm dreaming about it too, I need to address it. His brother knows of me...so I just have to make sure Todd tells his brother to let me know.

I am in such a vortex of emotions right now. As I write this out, I am disappointed in myself that I'm not strong enough to walk away. The situation is not clear and is rather messy to say the least. The smart, strong thing to do is to be appreciative of what we had, hold that warmly and move on. But I can't. And I don't even know why, except I keep hearing in my brain, 'you'll know what to do in time.'

I tell myself if situations exist, I'll still date other people. But who am I kidding? It's not like that happens much in my life. In the 3 years I was single, I had 2 dates. One set up by my Mom, who turned out to be this little creep shorter than me (I'm 5'2") who kept looking at things in my house and saying over and over again "You gotta a lot of stuff." as he walked through my home like he was casing it and his shining moment was winning a Kraft Dinner contest when he was 14.
So in the meantime, I wait for the phone to ring, cursing myself. I continue to download music for Todd to take in the MP3 player I'm buying him for a Christmas/Deployment gift.

Time will tell whether I'm still being played for a fool or not, I guess. The chapter just hasn't ended yet.