I am a pretty tough person, although those that know me very well, know that beyond my armadillo-shell exterior, I crush like an overripe banana. Today has been one of those days.

First off, the news about CaliValleyGirl and the heli crash in Afghanistan.

Then my most favourite milblogger's company experienced their first combat loss.

I feel so sad for them. The unknown. The known. It's all too big.

Todd has been going through some stuff lately and I do my best to lift his spirits. This last week he has called twice daily, but kept saying that he couldn't tell me what was wrong. Only that it wasn't what he signed up to do.

I got a long email from him this afternoon. Turns out instead of the non-combat job that I thought he was doing, he has changed companies. He is now working as a shooter/armed guard on the convoys.

My whole world feels shaky. I thought he was safe. Why did I let myself believe that it wasn't dangerous for him? I am such a fool.

I phoned a friend who I thought would understand. Her husband is Nicaraguan. At the age of SIX, he was taken out of school, handed a gun and told to go to war. SIX YEARS OLD!!! He remained in the army until the age of 11 when his family was able to spirit him out of the country, but he still suffers from PTSD. It's been mentioned before, but something we don't really talk about. But today I asked her what it was like. How was it to live with someone who has seen hell.

Her response was not what I expected. She told me to cut the ties. Walk away. That if she knew now what she knew when, she never would have stayed. He's done some absolutely unspeakable things during the night, when he was asleep.

I can say one thing for sure. Even though I don't know where this is leading, it will not be me that walks away. I made a promise to stay and I will. No matter what comes back on the other side. I don't intend to break that promise and do not say things I don't mean.

Some months back, I found another blog by accident of the aftermath of not keeping promises. I had already made my choice at that point, even if he and I barely knew each other then, but reading the heartbreak in that blog solidified my position. I will not walk way. That's for damned sure.

It is just a challenge finding that place I need to be at to deal with this. The unknown is very hard to deal with.