Everyone has one to some degree, right?

Mine pops it's inflated head into my life quite a lot more frequently than I would like. It started pretty much from Day 1. When I was born, I was already at least 8 years behind my 4 brothers. They were athletic. I was not. I have an old memory of my mom trying to comfort me after I fell rather spectacularly during a hurdle race, that while it may be my brother's calling, it wasn't mine. At 7 years old, I can still hear those words 'Some can do well. Some are better watching'. She certainly didn't mean to instill any inferiority complex in me but it happened. Besides, they were big boys who nothing ever bad happened to, and I was this little girl who tripped on her own feet.

Fast forward many a year, and I spent a much-too-long time with my ex who took pride in putting me down to cover up his own securities. He took it personally that I was a little more intellectual than him, so he made sure I didn't feel it. By the time we split, I couldn't even make a simple decision like what to order in a restaurant. Unrecognizable now!

Now, in my 30's, I find I face it every day working in a pharmaceutical environment where even the receptionist has a University degree. I went to high school, and even though I graduated with honours, I was finished at 18. At the time, it seemed reasonable. I had the illusions of grandeur of marriage and all it's glory. And I couldn't afford to go either. So I went to work. I've worked my butt off in a variety of jobs, learning a lot of different businesses. I've been with my present company for the last 9 years but haven't changed jobs because I limit myself in my own head that I'm not competent. I constantly hear that little voice inside me that says 'Well, you never went to university so....'

Why do I do this to myself? I have 18 years of work experience. I'm good at what I do. I know my stuff and most of everyone else's too, just from how the company has changed over the years. Meanwhile, my boss went to some preppy school in England, has degrees out the ying-yang and has only been in the workforce for about 7 years and he's older than I am.

Lately, our business has gone through some major upheavals. We acquired another company, and brought in a bunch of changes to the way we do business. I've been working many late hours re-writing polices, procedures, manuals and debating processes over and over again. It came to the point where we had to present all my efforts to the CFO, the big dude on the top floor. I asked my boss who was going to present and he looked down his nose and said 'It's a high level meeting'.

Cue me feeling all those self-imposed inadequacies rushing to the surface as I slink back to my desk for another late-night go at the project. Of course, BossDude goes home to his wife and 2.2 kids while I slave away...

Yesterday, BossDude came in with an apparent change of heart (AKA talked to the wife who's an HR Chick) and asked if I wanted to present with him to the BigDudes. I was really nervous but of course, jumped at the chance. We went in, and not only did I completely hold my own but made BossDude look like a chimp a couple times because he usually relies on my answers a little too much and it showed. Not only that, I was shocked at the fact that most of these execs in the meeting acted like complete baboons. One was playing with his tongue (I kid you not!) and another with his contact lenses. And went things got tough, I thought BossDude might actually burst a vein!

Since then, I've been in quite a few meetings and emails with the execs and I've now begun realizing that I am in the right place. I do know my stuff. BossDude even did some silly little 'I bow down to you' move when I started discussing the technical aspects of our computer system. Freak.

Now if only I could get this little voice to believe it...