March 13, 2005
The Life of a Military Girlfriend
I may be crazy but I'm wearing capris and sandals today. The clematis is growing back, the sun is bright and the world is in bloom. Gotta love the Wet Coast when it's not raining.

I cringe at the above title, by the way. I am not good with the GF word at the best of times. It scares the hell out of me. You think guys have the mark cornered on commitment phobia? Yeah, not so much. Every time I've garnered that title, it's been nothing but trauma to follow. I try to keep myself grounded, telling myself that this is just the now...we don't know what the long term brings. I have spent a very long time relying on myself and am finding it hard to admit that my emotions are wrapped up in another's actions. It angers me at times, it makes me nervous, but at the end of the day, the hopeless romantic I've tried hard to bury underneath a rough exterior is doing the happy dance. Todd said the other day I had what it took to be a military girlfriend and I didn't understand or know what to make of that. I still don't know...but I do know that I will stand by him and do whatever it takes until he comes back. It's a given. He hasn't asked me to do that, but it is what I want to do.

I took another trip to the US yesterday to mail the latest package to Todd. It may seem odd but somehow taking the trip across the border, both in time and effort, is sort of a half-assed attempt to honour what sacrifice he's making. Instead of just popping down to the post office, it's now at least an hour or more do get something away and I find it is somewhat fulfilling. I am now getting to know the postal clerk at Mailboxes Unlimited in Blaine now. When I walk in, she always greets me with a 'How's our boy doing now?' Even the border guard yesterday seemed to recognize me.

He has called me the last 6 days out of 7. I think that he's really feeling far from home these days, and the emotion in his voice has been so strong. I tried to tell a friend several times this week what he said but each time choked up myself and couldn't. Suffice to say, he is doing well physically but is feeling very out of sorts in every other way. So far, I'm the only one who has sent him anything at all and it's been nearly 2 weeks since he's been able to catch his daughter on the phone. He feels very lost, very alone. I guess it was inevitable but all I can do is listen and it is so difficult. I want to wrap my arms around him, tell him it will all be okay. But when I don't know that myself, how can I tell him?

The living conditions are no Club Med. The paper-thin walls are not conducive to sleep. He has been living on only 4 hours a night, between the attacks and just the general noises of all the others in the living quarters. I asked him about earplugs but he laughed wryly. Apparently, a silly question. Earplugs aren't an accepted method when you need to be alert for incoming mortar attacks.

I live attached to my cell phone these days. If I go out, I forward my home phone to my cell. I am never out of touch. It's been worth it, although there have been a couple awkward moments when the phone rang at the worst possible time.

So far, reading the military and military support blogs and getting to know others who lead similar existences have been the most helpful. In my real life, I don't have many friends I can talk to about it, so I keep most of it inside. My closest friends and family remember all too well the disastrous reaction and after-effects of Todd's deployment and most are fairly vocal that I should move on and walk away from the situation. But I've never been one to listen to advice...but rather, follow my own path. This is no different.

And with that load of waffle, it's time for some happier moments. I'm off to the park with the kids to go fly a kite. Can't think of a sweeter way to spend a Sunday afternoon!

Vancouver, British Columbia
A patriotic Canadian full of visions of a better Canada, random thoughts and a lot of hot air. Who am I? A struggling writer and photographer, who looks forward to a better Canada. I read. A lot. I learn. A lot. I push myself. A lot. The world is a small place, and getting smaller every day. I'm proud to have friends in every corner of the earth, and abide by the old adage that there are no strangers, only friends we haven't met yet.
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